Judging by when this column usually makes it to the newsstand or to your driveway, you either have given your sweetheart a Valentine’s Day gift, or you are about to. Either way, the deed is done. You are either basking in the glow of the love and affection brought on by your impeccable choice in romantic gift-giving, or you are driving around town trying to find a drug store that has something left besides a “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle” chocolate assortment. A few of you, perhaps, despite my warnings over the years, are bewildered as you haul pillows and a blanket to the living room couch, wondering how you could have gone wrong, and how any woman would not love to have a gift certificate for free taxidermy.

     I mention the taxidermy, not just because it is an example of an extremely stinky Valentine’s Day gift, but also because I actually had a friend in Texas who gave his wife taxidermy for Valentine’s Day. He applied the following logic to his selection. Well, wait. Let’s just stop right there. His first mistake was in applying his logic to anything remotely having to do with his wife and a gift. Now that we’ve cleared that up, he deduced that since his wife had just bagged her first deer (during a trip he dragged her on against her will) that what she wanted more than anything on earth was to stuff the head of the deer and place it on the wall in their living room. Taxidermy is expensive, he thought, and nothing says, “I love you,” like paying for a guy to stuff your animal carcass. That friend is single today, but you don’t have to be.

     There’s time to pull this ox out of the ditch. First, tell her that your initial gift was a joke, or possibly a test designed to gauge the level of the conditionality of her love for you. Had she fawned over you despite the fact that you gave her a personal tick removal kit for Valentine’s Day, you would have known that the depth of your relationship was not dependent on what material possessions you gave her. Instead, she threw a potted plant at your head and ran into the bedroom crying, causing you to have deep concerns about the purity of her commitment to you. You tell her that you have a nice gift you’d like to give her at this time. Of course it’s up to you now to locate and purchase a good gift, and let’s face it, your track record isn’t good.

 

     The folks at Amazon.com (in case you are an online shopper) have provided a public service by culling from their extensive gfit holdings, the very type of gifts you should not give your loved one. This is a sampling of what they list.

Tick Nipper: Tick Removal Tool (see, I told you!)

Sex for Dummies book (Enough said)

Wolf Urine Lure – 32oz (They don’t say if a smaller amount would be okay)

Crappie World Magazine subscription (even if she likes to fish)

All About Scabs – My Body Science Series

Flattened Fauna – A Field Guide to Common Animals of Roads, Streets and Highways

and my personal favorite…

Tapeworms – A Medical Dictionary, Bibliography, And Annotated Research Guide to Internet Resources (in my view the bibliography part was fascinating – those tapeworms read some interesting books)

 

   Look, there’s no shame in being a lemming and just getting the flowers and chocolate, but if you strive to be different and unique, just bear in mind that unique and different are great attributes if you are Bono, but The Unabomber was also unique and different. Knowing the difference can mean the difference between a twenty second kiss and a temporary restraining order.

     After looking extensively (for more than five minutes) at the Amazon list, as well as my own, I’ve found that most really bad Valentine’s gifts (not including the wolf urine), fall into a handful of categories. Appliances – Anything you give her that creates work, even if it’s easier work that what she was doing, is bad. Body improvement items – This includes anything from weight-loss books to gym memberships to body hair removal systems. Books (unless you wrote it and it’s all about her).

       Now get out there and make up for your mistake and remember, just because you know your girl hates her cellulite, doesn’t mean she wants you to give her the seaweed cream for Valentine’s Day. One other thing – a ring is the only thing you should ever wrap in a ring-sized box. Trust me on that one. If it were down to something in a ring box that’s not a ring or a tick nipper, I’d get the tick nipper. A tick nipper in a ring box and you can start packing.